The circle game

...We're captive on the carousel of time

We can't return, we can only look behind

From where we came

And go round and round and round

In the circle game

Joni Mitchel

I promised myself that today I would get on and do things like finish cutting the front hedge, abandoned when the hedge cutter ran out of juice; posting back files from working last week; updating the calendar with next week's blood doning session and Katie's visit home, and revised dates for Steve's treatment which have changed following a week off chemo to help his immune system recover.

But there I got stuck - I couldn't bring myself to write in a whole new set of chemo dates until tomorrow, when we will know for sure that he is clear for treatment. Even then, the new dates will only be pencilled in; although we had treated it almost as a formality before, we now know from recent experience that there's no guarantee that blood tests (or other tests for that matter) will come back "normal."

Those thoughts set me off on yet another foray on the web, looking for the latest news on mesothelioma, trials and treatments, and I've ended up going round and round in circles - at least that's what it feels like. Much of what I've read is horribly depressing in many ways, but mixed with awe and admiration at how meso sufferers and their families deal with the challenge of living with a terminal disease and the physical and emotional pain that entails.

Blogs like http://www.jansmeso.blogspot.com/ throw into relief how lucky we have been so far in some respects - if you can ever say that when you or your loved one is diagnosed with a terminal illness. However, it also fans the memories of anger, grief and helplessness which engulfed us only two months ago, but feels like another lifetime. Not very positive. It's time I stopped playing the circle game and got on with the rest of the things that need doing today. Here we go....