Saturday 19 December 2009

one step forward, two steps back

Just when we thought we were moving forward, the going gets tough again.  The tiredness that Steve has been experiencing since his flu jabs on Tuesday has turned into a cold - the catarrh is making him cough and this seems to have triggered a worsening of the nausea and sickness that had been getting better slowly. So much for putting the emergency bucket back in the cupboard....

As it's easier to handle such feelings at home, especially first thing in the morning, we have abandoned plans to go to a festive gathering in Wells tonight (sorry, Chris - catch up with your in 2010); cancelled the B&B (but still have to pay due to the short notice...ah well, such is life) and will have a chilled out day at home instead.  Steve can rest and recuperate while I wrap the family presents and prepare food for tomorrow's gathering of the wider Wride clan and partners.

Fingers crossed, Steve will feel like traveling tomorrow. He's been rather dispirited these last few days, probably because of the cold developing. It's that time when you look back over the old year and forward to the new one....I think that looking back has rekindled those feelings of anger, helplessness and frustration we experienced in June, when we first heard about Steve's condition. 

Looking forward, Steve is wondering just what to do - he doesn't feel in a position to make long term plans; the things he ought to do in the short term about legal matters, financial affairs and responding to the solicitor are not very appealing; the structure imposed on our day-to-day lives by the regular visits to hospital no longer exists, and he finds himself drifting, with little or nothing at the end of the day to show how he spent the hours.  When you are acutely aware of your own mortality, a feeling that that you have been wasting time does not put you in a positive frame of mind... 

Some how, he needs to find a focus or target that is challenging and rewarding, but still achievable in a limited period.  Something to work on, I think.

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