Sunday, 22 November 2009

Little by little... Cycle 6, Day 13

Progress update:

  • No morning sickness for the last couple of days.  Will it last?  Can we think about removing the emergency bedside bucket?  
  • No longer any numbness in fingers
  • Ringing in the ears very infrequent and very intermittent
  • Nausea still a problem, still taking the tablets
  • Bad tastes in the mouth still a problem
  • Fatigue, still a big problem - Steve is doing his impression of the Sleeping Beauty again, as I write....
  • Cramps in the leg still a problem, but whether this is a side effect of the chemo or something totally unrelated we don't know
  • Difficulty concentrating is still annoying him - Steve just hates being beaten by a crossword or sudoku
So....progress is slow, as we knew it would be, but there are some measurable improvements in terms of chemo side effects, even though its only a couple of days since the last dose of Velcade

However, psychologically, Steve is still rather dispirited. Feeling physically washed out and mentally sluggish isn't helping.  I think it's also a problem with being back in limbo again, waiting for the next hospital appointment to come through; waiting for the results of the next CT scan and X-Ray to find out what's happening inside; wondering whether the efforts of the last five months or so have had (or will have) a beneficial effect, in the knowledge that we will never really know the answer to that question.  

Lurking in the background is a letter from the solicitor still trying to pin down where and how Steve was exposed to the asbestos that sowed the seeds of this illness so long ago. Neither of us can find the enthusiasm required to go on this particular quest at the moment, so the letter sits there, still waiting for a reply, looking at us accusingly....

Although we were fed up going backwards and forwards to hospital, at least it felt we were doing something to fight the cancer.  In recent weeks, we have longed for the treatment to come to an end.  However, now it's finished, we're faced with the reality that nothing is being done to actively combat the disease, and somehow that feels a bit like throwing in the towel.  On the other hand, neither of us could face the prospect of more chemo in the foreseeable future. 

Talk about a mass of contradictions and conflicting emotions!  

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